The Girl Who Fixes Things

I like to use clocks as hammers. There, I said it. And vacuum cleaners. And shoes. And anything hard enough to bang in a nail without me having to go to the breadbin-that-is-now-a-toolbox to retrieve The Actual Pink Hammer.

Today is different; today I used The Actual Pink Hammer. One of the balcony chairs was dying, you see. The cheap, plastic covering was flapping in the breeze, and last night, when I sat on it, I got soggy leggings. Something had to be done. I leaped from my bed this morning, knowing that today was the day. The chair would be fixed. My chair-fixing was so successful that I felt it would be a disservice not to share my method with you. I took photos for ease of understanding.

Firstly, you will need the following tools:

Duct tape

Electrical tape

Wine

Parcel tape

Hammer

Tunnock's Caramel Wafer

Spirit level

(The above photo was taken by an actual photographer. Sadly, he got bored and wandered off. I took the rest myself.)

Here is a 'before' picture of the broken chair, please note the protruding spongy bit and saggy bottom:

Bird's eye view

Wonky view of underbelly

 It is absolutely IMPERATIVE that you do not listen to anyone's suggestions regarding the best way to fix a chair. THIS is the best way to fix a chair. First, stare at the duct tape and electrical tape. Decide which roll is the strongest, and select the duct tape. Starting from the left-hand side of the broken chair, begin to wind the duct tape over the seat, under the seat, over the seat, under the seat. Aesthetics are unimportant at this stage. This is essentially your 'base'. You may like to wind the duct tape horizontally across and under the chair seat. Don't. Do exactly as I say.

Winding the tape

 Next, have a look at the bottle of wine. Is it too early for wine? You must decide. Despite what I said earlier, there are no rules at this stage of chair repair.

Wine on chair

 Just before you finish winding the duct tape over and under and over and under the seat (vertically, remember), you will run out of tape. This is normal. Listen and listen good.

Running out of tape

This is when you use the parcel tape. The chair is still a chair, not a parcel, so treat it as such. WARNING: don't sit on the chair yet; it is still broken. Wind the parcel tape over and under and over and under the seat, filling in the gaps left by the run-out duct tape.

Utilising parcel tape

 Repeat the parcel tape steps on the opposite length of the chair. This serves no purpose other than the smug achievement of a sense of symmetry.

Marginally symmetrical stage

 Next, we must make the chair seat look like a chair seat. We achieve this using the black electrical tape. Place strips of black electrical tape horizontally across the chair seat. Place, stick, cut. Place, stick, cut.

Adding black electrical tape

 Continue in this vein.

Continuing in this vein

 When you have covered half the seat with horizontal strips of black electrical tape, place the spirit level on the chair seat. In this instance, the spirit bubble is within the Lines of Levelness. If the spirit bubble is off-centre, do not worry;  it probably means your floor is wonky. Ignore the spirit level. Remove the spirit level from the chair seat. Do NOT throw the spirit level.

Checking the seat is level

 Using the hammer, firmly tap the seat.

Firmly tapping the seat

 Keep placing, sticking and cutting the black electrical tape. When you reach the knobbly 'fixings' at the side of the chair, stick the black electrical tape on the top of them. Shortly after this, you will run out of black electrical tape.

Running out of black electrical tape

 Survey your remaining reels of electrical tape. Pick your next favourite colour. Your next favourite colour is red.

Choosing your next favourite colour

 As with the black electrical tape, place, stick and cut the red electrical tape in horizontal strips. WARNING: Leave a gap in the middle of the red horizontal strips to achieve a sense of 'pattern'. Smooth out unexpected bubbles by tapping firmly with a hammer.

Achieving a sense of pattern. Unexpected bubbles.

 When your pattern has been achieved and your bubbles smoothed, your chair seat should look exactly like this.

How your chair seat should look

 Choose your next favourite colour of electrical tape. Mine is navy blue. Yours is too.

Your next favourite colour of electrical tape is navy blue

 Fill in the gaps between the red electrical tape stripes with navy blue electrical tape stripes. You should achieve something exactly like this.

This is what you should achieve

Slightly different angle

 The underside of the chair is strengthened by the parcel tape and duct tape. It is now safe for you to offer this chair to visitors.

Strengthened underside of chair

 Eat the Tunnock's Caramel Wafer.

Tunnock's Caramel Wafer wrapper

You are done. You may now sit down. On the floor is safest.