Dearest Jeff. Don't look back.

Wishing you all the joys of the Season and every happiness throughout the coming year"

Hi, your mate Jeff here.

This is just a quick email, rather than bothering you = with a call. I trust you are well ?

I wanted to see if you've been injured lately at home = or work ?

If so then parliament is willing to compensate you.

It's shocking that 7 out of 10 people in the UK who we= re injured don't bother claiming the compensation they are legally entitled= to.

Don't become one of them! It takes only 30 seconds to = get the amount of money your entitled to.

Get your quid today.

Click here now to see how much you will receive.

Cheers, 

Jeff

------------------------------------------------

Dear Jeff,

I thank you for your email and your concern. At first I thought this was just another spam email, until I read between the lines. 

Although I have indeed recently injured myself at home - by way of a disastrous cheese-grating incident - the injury has now healed. Sadly, I don't even have a scar. Back to that day - the cheese was more rubbery than anticipated, and the force I put behind it during the grating was, in hindsight, disproportionate. I can liken it only to trying to put on a condom using a mallet. Have you ever tried this, Jeff? I haven't the parts to indulge in such an activity myself. Your feedback would be appreciated. 

Anyway, back to the issue in hand. I suspect you are soon to fall in love with me. I'm not sure I can cope with this. I adore you as a dear, dear friend, but I cannot afford myself the luxury of falling for ANOTHER accident claim technician. Do you wear a uniform? 

The last accident claim technician left me, quite cruelly and literally, in the gutter following another 'fall'. I appreciate that he was becoming a little frustrated with the numerous 'accidents' I was having in and around the home, and his argument that most of them were, in fact, my fault, was harsh but sadly fair. I would hate for us to part in the same way, Jeff. 

It is with great reluctance that I turn down your proposal and decline your quid. Keep it, Jeff. Don't look back. 

Best wishes, my love. 

 

The Girl Who Purchased the Wrong Type of Coffee

Imagine the situation.
Online shopping.
Ground coffee.
Shopping delivered.
Coffee beans.
But that's ok, right? I have a grinder.

Follow the instructions and you too can have freshly ground coffee.

Equipment required:
Coffee beans
Mechanical grinder
Potato masher
Calculator
Pestle and mortar
Hand-held blender
Smoothie maker
Hammer
Pliers
Food processor
Another mechanical grinder
Savlon
Electrical tape

1/ Purchase wrong type of coffee, as outlined above.
2/ Think to self, "That is ok, for I have a mechanical coffee grinder. Today is a good day."
3/ Place twenty-three coffee beans in the top of the mechanical coffee grinder. Move the handle round in a circular motion for three hours and forty-seven minutes.
4/ Open drawer underneath mechanical coffee grinder to view contents. Feel utterly dejected, hopeless and dismayed at the contents.
5/ Empty contents of drawer into scoop used for measuring coffee.
6/ Stare at scoop.
7/ If half a scoop of coffee (x) takes three hours and forty-seven minutes in time (y) to produce, calculate how long it will take to produce the required four scoops of coffee. X multiplied by (y x 8) = 1816.
8/ You will be unable to work out how to convert this into hours and minutes. Type BOOBIES on calculator. Do a lol.
9/ Consider your next option. Your next option is gadgetry. Look for gadgetry.
10/ Line up the following items: hand-held blender, smoothie maker, food processor.
11/ Add remaining coffee beans to bowl. Using hand-held blender, blend with gusto. Coffee beans will hit your face, lodge in your eyes and somehow find their way into your pants. This is a nice feeling. Wiggle while you work.
12/ After one minute and thirteen seconds you will stare at the coffee beans. This is ok. The previously intact coffee beans are now slightly chipped coffee beans. You will realise you would have been better off hitting them with a hammer.
13/ Hit the coffee beans with a hammer.
14/ Clear up broken glass. Strap broken fingers with electrical tape.
15/ Study a coffee bean. At this point, it will look like this.




16/ Add coffee beans to smoothie maker.
17/ Try to smooth coffee beans. Note that whilst blade is whirring satisfactorily, coffee beans are sitting in the well underneath the blade. You will feel like the coffee beans are laughing at you. They are not.
18/ Empty the laughing coffee beans into the food processor. Clap your hands in glee upon realisation that the food processor was designed to make big stuff smaller. You will feel smug. Process the coffee beans.
19/ Empty the julienned coffee beans into the cafetiere. Add hot water. Leave for two minutes. Pour resulting liquid into a mug. Add sugar. Drink sugar-flavoured water.
20/ Grab another handful of coffee beans. Holding one coffee bean in your left hand, use your right hand to squeeze firmly with pliers.




21/ Use a similar equation to the one in Step 7. The result is 349,681.38. Calculate that this is perhaps approximately maybe just a little less than a year.
22/ Add another handful of whole coffee beans to the bit of the pestle and mortar which looks like a bowl. Using Google, find out which part is the pestle and which part is the mortar. Immediately forget. Using the other part of the pestle and mortar, pound the beans into what will again look like exactly like a slightly chipped coffee bean, as in step 12.
23/ Hit the coffee beans with a hammer.
24/ Discard broken bowl bit of pestle and mortar. Add splint to strapped fingers.
25/ Add a handful of whole coffee beans to a plastic bowl. You will feel stupid, but you are not stupid.
26/ Mash with potato masher.
27/ Stare at slightly chipped coffee beans, as in steps 12 and 22.
28/ Hit the slightly chipped coffee beans with a hammer.
29/ Add Savlon to open wound.
30/ On the bank holiday Monday, go to a boot sale.
31/ Note a seller with a mechanical coffee grinder, which is slightly larger than yours. Ask seller if mechanical coffee grinder is effective. Believe him when he says it works. Forget to barter, pay seller two English pounds in exchange for a mechanical coffee grinder which is slightly larger than yours.
32/ Return home. Phone entire family and invite them for coffee. Do not mention you are setting up bean-grinding factory.
33/ Set up a bean-grinding factory. Work shifts around the clock.
33/ After four days of twelve hour shifts, stare at perfectly ground, perfectly beautiful, perfectly wonderful coffee.
34/ Make coffee for your entire family. You have now used all the beans. Get the second bag of coffee beans out of the cupboard. Return to step 32.

The Girl Who is Fed Up With Bras

It's a well-documented problem. Girls and bras and bras and girls. I have a drawer full of bras which looked beautiful on hangers in shops, but when on they make bits stick out and squash under and it is all disastrous and not even marginally alluring. So, yes, The Girl Who is fed up with bras. So much so, that she has, after much pondering, come up with a solution. You will find yourself wanting to follow the steps below for your own, easy to fit, problem free, mammary supporter (this is NOT the same as mammary fan, despite the phrase 'football supporter' being similar to 'football fan'. A mammary fan is, in fact, a member of a very specialist group, which is probably found gathered around an iPad playing the Breasts section of PornHub on a loop).
Equipment:
Electrical tape
Method:
Wear clothes
Wrap electrical tape round and round and round your chest under your breasts. The underside of your breasts is now supported, as with a bra only nicer. Add a strip to either side, reaching from under-breast tape to armpit.
For extra loveliness, you will find you want to use a beautifully coloured tape, such as brown or red or blue, to add straps and other details. Do this. Don't use googly eyes or other stupid stuff.




You will find this will suffice.
Dance.

The Girl Who Tried to Use Stamps as Currency

Dear Stagecoach,
I once heard that stamps could be used as legal tender. This was around the time that I heard one could go to the Bank of England and demand ingots of gold in return for banknotes, which is sadly something I have never got round to doing. Have you?
Last week, I spent too much money, and have found that this week I cannot afford to purchase a Megarider or DayTripper ticket. I prefer a DayTripper, as it allows me to travel beyond the orange zone into the blue zone, which includes Pebsham tip. If I don't have enough money, or if the weather is too unpleasant, I do not allow myself the luxury of a weekly visit to Pebsham tip, and indeed tend to stick to the 99 'Wave' bus, which takes me past the fire station on Bohemia Road, stopping outside Lidl. This is where I ran into trouble. I usually spend £2.97 in Lidl. This gets me tomatoes, pitta bread, Jaffa cakes and a bottle of toilet cleaner. I seem to get through a lot of toilet cleaner; I suspect Lidl's own is not as effective as a brand such as Toilet Duck, and indeed a 'false economy'.
On Tuesday of last week, I noticed that Lidl were stocking a fine range of 'incidentals' in the middle aisle. I am ashamed to say that I succumbed to temptation. I returned with far more than my usual purchases; I also had a fan, a circular saw, and one of those metal things with suction pads on which you can place all your toiletries and flannels within easy reach whilst in the shower. I don't know why I am still crying about this, but it caused an almighty row with my (now ex) partner, who told me it was useless and pointless and asked how on earth it would hold the weight of all the 'lotions and potions' I insist on using on a daily basis, which serve simply to render my skin red raw and my hair like a birds' nest. In all fairness to him, I shouldn't have gone at him with the circular saw, and he WAS right: it certainly wasn't strong enough to hold my industrial-sized bottle of TRESemme.
Last week also happened to be the birthday of a family member, along with an occasion on which I needed to send a thank-you card. Since you ask, the thank-you card was to thank Lidl for cleaning up my spillage with so little fuss. So, I stamped my cards and posted them, before realising that there were four stamps left in the book. This made me ponder.
My Megarider expired on Monday, and I have no means to get back up to Lidl to return the circular saw (I cleaned the blood and screams off it), suction thing, fan and tomatoes. The fan, may I say, has turned out to be a godsend during the last few weeks of hot weather. It only seems to blow the electrics if I use whilst in the bath, but, in its defence, I do splash a bit.
Stamps are quite expensive now, apparently sixty pence for a first class, and a little less for a second class. Why people can't just be satisfied with an eCard, I have no idea, and I suspect this is an issue I will have to bring up over Christmas dinner, although I loathe to do so at that time of year. Last year I asked Uncle Doug if, this year, he would be happy with a handwritten poem rather than the usual Old Spice gift set. I will not repeat his reply, nor will I regale you with the tale of the painful placement of the turkey leg. He was, suffice to say, livid.
So, I have four stamps left. Four times sixty is twenty-four. Twenty-four pounds will buy me two and a bit Megarider tickets. I do hope you will not think me bold for offering stamps as currency on the 99 'Wave' bus, but I do so need to pop to Lidl.
Kind regards,
The Girl Who Does

The Girl Who Does Collections

Following my proposal to Hastings Borough Council regarding the regeneration of Hastings' Pier, which, incidentally, they have not replied to (I can only assume this is because they are still researching as to whether lions or bears are the animals which do/don't eat you when you stare them in the eye - I do hope that nobody has been mauled or injured in any way during this research task), I have been patiently waiting for the shortbread tins which will render the pier fireproof and avoid another occurrence of massive scary fire and unprecedented levels of local distress. Today, I received a tweet from @candyflippa. She has kindly kicked off the collection with a rather fetching traditionally styled Scottish shortbread barrel. I am hoping the lid could be used for decorative effect on top of one of the turrets in which I plan to keep the lions/bears. I have acquired several useful items myself, mostly from my own cupboards. Oh, what treasures cupboards hold! A Marks and Spencer tin depicting snowmen and children killing each other (some of the scenes have faded, so I am unsure as to whether this description is wholly accurate); a tobacco tin depicting blackened lungs and death (not strictly shortbread, but I shall cover it with tartan paper); a roll of bright blue electrical tape, the outside of which is covered in biscuit crumbs; a padlock for which I cannot recall the combination, but will be useful for the tin gates at the entrance to the pier; and a misshapen fork. So, friends, anything you feel will be useful to get this gig rolling will be gratefully received. 

Outstanding. 

The Girl Who Offered to Fix Hastings' Pier

Dear Regeneration at Hastings dot gov,
I have a quite brilliant view of the pier from here, and have recently taken it upon myself to keep abreast of its happenings. I haven't yet seen any work commence, or men in hi-vis jackets, but my mother assures me this is to happen quite soon. She is usually right about these things; I refer you to the time she told me that Eastenders' Tanya and Max were to have a rather large fight and split up. She was right. She was also right when she told me it would take hours to paint a kitchen using a pastry brush, and perhaps my time would be better spent walking to the nearest DIY shop to purchase an actual paintbrush. As you well know, the nearest DIY shop to my flat at the time was in fact B&Q in Ore. A bit of a trek even for a healthy person such as myself.
I feel I have digressed. I have a vision. I also have a balcony, on which I can state I have a vision and passers-by look up in awe and expectation. I have not yet let them down. As work has not yet commenced on the aforementioned pier, I would appreciate it if you could consider my vision. I have my own hammer, spirit level and screwdriver, but I am not sure whether these would suffice for such a large job, and I would probably have to sub-contract, particularly for the structural work.
Entertainment-wise, I was wondering if you had considered lions? Lions, although dangerous, could be a fabulous tourist attraction, and we could perhaps offer rides from the pier to the beach. I heard somewhere that a lion won't eat you unless you look it in the eye. Or that might have been a bear. This probably needs a little more research; if you could find out whether it is lions or bears that are safe as long as you don't look them in the eye, we could make sure we use the correct animal. Don't feel sad; the public would travel to see bears too, as although it is frowned upon to ride one they look fantastic when standing on their hind legs swiping at thin air.
So, my vision begins with the structural development of the pier. I noticed when fixing a chair the other day that there is strength in duct tape. The pier struts needs to be strong and, dare I say it, fireproof. It was a sad day when the pier caught fire; some people said it was their Diana moment. These are the people who will most welcome the regeneration and rebuilding of the pier. These people are our target market. I suggest you set up a Facebook page.
Moving on from marketing. As you know, my parents used to keep their important documents in a Scottish shortbread tin in case the house caught fire. Now, I am no fool - I do not expect the entire pier to be made from Scottish shortbread tins, but it would not hurt to source a few in advance. I suggest this should be your next task, after completing your lion/bear research.
To recap thus far:
Lion/bear research
Source approximately 1500 Scottish shortbread tins
Duct-tape pier struts (I used 'duct-tape' as a doing word, which doesn't sit well with me. Please overlook this.)
Once the struts are supportive, we should think about importing the animals so they get used to their new home before the visitors begin to flood in. Although I have never imported an animal, I did make a poorly pigeon feel happy the other day. The way I did this was by ensuring he felt as if he belonged. This is key. A keyword. A watch-word, if you like. Belong.
So:
Lion/bear research
Source tins
Duct-tape
Import lions and bears.
I would be willing to train all the lions/bears to be tolerant of human weight, as I suspect people will climb on them even if told not to. I am bringing my pigeon-training to the party, and I have also hand-reared two children. My weight is approximately that of the average man, despite being a woman. This is because I am still carrying a little Christmas weight, which I am finding hard to shift. I think my metabolism has slowed down, what do you think? As I am sure you have noticed (but been too polite to mention), my hips are heavier now than they have ever been. I find this has changed the way I feel about myself.
I will leave it there, as there is not a huge amount I can do until you have imported the bears/lions. Please let me know when I can get cracking with the sub-contracting.
A pleasure doing business, as always.
Kind regards,
The Girl Who Does.

The Girl Who Fixed a BT YouView Box

Before I begin, please make sure that you have to hand the following tools:

A BT YouView box (this may also work with a Talk Talk YouView box, or a non-affiliated YouView box, however, I would not like to ruin your life, so please proceed with caution)

A working tellybox, with HDMI and SCART connections

A telephone

A plugged in, switched on, and connected modem

A pint of beer

A globe

A Tunnock's caramel wafer

Various leads which, at a push, fit in various holes

Patience

An engineer

A bread knife.

Let us begin.

1/ Glance at YouView user guide. Realise you do not need YouView user guide. Set about surveying existing televisual set-up. It will transpire that everything is on the wrong side of the room. This is normal; do not be cross. Take this opportunity to point and laugh at existing hard-drive recorder, paying extra attention to its crappy little buttons. Put it to one side; you will need it later. 

Existing hard-drive recorder with its crappy little buttons

2/ Untangle wire. Unplug phone. Untangle wire. Unplug television. Untangle wire. Unplug SCART lead from back of television and existing hard-drive recorder with its crappy little buttons. Place SCART lead to one side. Unplug the dangling HDMI cable which you plugged in when you wanted to watch Eastenders on iPlayer on your laptop but gave up because there was no sound.. PutHDMI cable to one side. You will need seven empty plug holes. Count empty plug holes. You have three. Unplug phone charger. Untangle wire. Unplug phone charging mat. Untangle wire. Unplug laptop, printer, Wii, shredder, spare phone charger, other phone charger and electronic cigarette charger. Untangle all wires. Put all equipment in a basket.

Putting all equipment in a basket

3/ WARNING: ADULT SUPERVISION REQUIRED. 

Plug modem in AS CLOSE TO THE TELLYBOX AS POSSIBLE. It looks nice on that shelf. Careful when you stand up; you will hit your head.

The modem looks nice on that shelf

4/ Have a pint of beer. Unwind telephone extension lead. Plug telephone extension lead into the holes in which it fits best. These are probably the right holes. Plug the telephone doofer into the extension wire. Pick up the telephone, listen for dialling tone, say, 'Hello?' Unwind extension lead around the back of the sewing machine, under the sofa, around the base of the lamp, out the door, down the stairs, through the legs of the man from Flat 4, under the carpet, up the stairs, round the lightbulb, through the door, across the floor, past the fireplace, on to the mantelpiece, off the mantelpiece, behind a picture, over the radiator, and into the back of the modem.

Telephone extension lead in front of fireplace

5/ Look at hole in back of tellybox cabinet in which previous hard-drive recorder with crappy buttons' wire was fed. Realise this hole is not big enough for the unpluggable YouView power cable. Make hole slightly larger using back and forth sawing motion with bread knife. Put YouView box on shelf next to modem. Holding box steady with two fingers, use other two fingers and thumb to feed plug through new hole. Adopt yogic squatting position and reach other arm over the tellybox to back of cabinet, widening fingers expectantly. Grasp wildly using hand at back of cabinet, whilst thrusting plug blindly and furiously through hole. Grab plug and plug into extension lead at back of cabinet. Push box fully onto shelf, knocking modem on to floor. Plug all wires back into modem. Place modem back on shelf. Plug ethernet cable from modem into back of YouView box. Watch light flashing at back of YouView box with pride. 

Widen hole using bread knife

6/ Place HDMI cable on cabinet. Watch it curl into a frightened ball. Stare at HDMI cable. It has no instructions. Take it upon yourself to plug HDMI cable into back of tellybox and back of YouView box.

HDMI cable curled up on cabinet

7/ Check that all plugs are plugged in and all cables are plugged in. Look down back of tellybox cabinet to assure self of same. Alarmingly, there will be twenty-seven useful wires. This is normal.

Twenty-seven useful wires

 8/ Switch everything on. Wait. Press buttons on shiny remote when prompted. Enter postcode. Excitedly navigate menu. Watch programme you missed last Tuesday on integrated 4OD channel.

Shiny remote with buttons

 9/ Halfway through programme, the sound will disappear. Change channel. The sound will reappear. Then the sound will disappear. Change channel, the sound will appear. The sound will then disappear. Repeat this process using all one hundred and thirty-one channels. Reset box. Retune box. Factory-reset box. Retune box. Factory-reset box. Check all connections. Change all settings. Reset modem. Lift telephone up and put it back down again. Unplug all plugs. Untangle wires. Plug all plugs back in. Move YouView box. Move it back. Remove HDMI cable, plug in SCART lead.

Plugged in SCART lead

10/ Repeat step 9 with SCART in situ. When you get to the last point of step 9, unplug SCART and plug HDMI cable back in. Repeat step 9 again. Google YouView forums. Do all suggested things on YouView forum. Pick up telephone.

Pick up telephone

11/ Phone BT YouView support. Explain situation. Listen carefully whilst kind man tells you that it is unacceptable that a box should behave this way in front of a customer. Kind man will talk you through steps 1-9. Repeat them even though you have done them before. Kind man wants you to. Do as kind man says. Wait. When kind man asks if you want an engineer, say yes. Hang up, plug in old hard-drive recorder with its crappy little buttons. Wait 18 hours. Let in engineer. Allow him to remove existing YouView box and furnish you with another. Thank him. Sit down. Eat a Tunnock's caramel wafer.

Eat a Tunnock's caramel wafer

The Girl Who Fixes Things

I like to use clocks as hammers. There, I said it. And vacuum cleaners. And shoes. And anything hard enough to bang in a nail without me having to go to the breadbin-that-is-now-a-toolbox to retrieve The Actual Pink Hammer.

Today is different; today I used The Actual Pink Hammer. One of the balcony chairs was dying, you see. The cheap, plastic covering was flapping in the breeze, and last night, when I sat on it, I got soggy leggings. Something had to be done. I leaped from my bed this morning, knowing that today was the day. The chair would be fixed. My chair-fixing was so successful that I felt it would be a disservice not to share my method with you. I took photos for ease of understanding.

Firstly, you will need the following tools:

Duct tape

Electrical tape

Wine

Parcel tape

Hammer

Tunnock's Caramel Wafer

Spirit level

(The above photo was taken by an actual photographer. Sadly, he got bored and wandered off. I took the rest myself.)

Here is a 'before' picture of the broken chair, please note the protruding spongy bit and saggy bottom:

Bird's eye view

Wonky view of underbelly

 It is absolutely IMPERATIVE that you do not listen to anyone's suggestions regarding the best way to fix a chair. THIS is the best way to fix a chair. First, stare at the duct tape and electrical tape. Decide which roll is the strongest, and select the duct tape. Starting from the left-hand side of the broken chair, begin to wind the duct tape over the seat, under the seat, over the seat, under the seat. Aesthetics are unimportant at this stage. This is essentially your 'base'. You may like to wind the duct tape horizontally across and under the chair seat. Don't. Do exactly as I say.

Winding the tape

 Next, have a look at the bottle of wine. Is it too early for wine? You must decide. Despite what I said earlier, there are no rules at this stage of chair repair.

Wine on chair

 Just before you finish winding the duct tape over and under and over and under the seat (vertically, remember), you will run out of tape. This is normal. Listen and listen good.

Running out of tape

This is when you use the parcel tape. The chair is still a chair, not a parcel, so treat it as such. WARNING: don't sit on the chair yet; it is still broken. Wind the parcel tape over and under and over and under the seat, filling in the gaps left by the run-out duct tape.

Utilising parcel tape

 Repeat the parcel tape steps on the opposite length of the chair. This serves no purpose other than the smug achievement of a sense of symmetry.

Marginally symmetrical stage

 Next, we must make the chair seat look like a chair seat. We achieve this using the black electrical tape. Place strips of black electrical tape horizontally across the chair seat. Place, stick, cut. Place, stick, cut.

Adding black electrical tape

 Continue in this vein.

Continuing in this vein

 When you have covered half the seat with horizontal strips of black electrical tape, place the spirit level on the chair seat. In this instance, the spirit bubble is within the Lines of Levelness. If the spirit bubble is off-centre, do not worry;  it probably means your floor is wonky. Ignore the spirit level. Remove the spirit level from the chair seat. Do NOT throw the spirit level.

Checking the seat is level

 Using the hammer, firmly tap the seat.

Firmly tapping the seat

 Keep placing, sticking and cutting the black electrical tape. When you reach the knobbly 'fixings' at the side of the chair, stick the black electrical tape on the top of them. Shortly after this, you will run out of black electrical tape.

Running out of black electrical tape

 Survey your remaining reels of electrical tape. Pick your next favourite colour. Your next favourite colour is red.

Choosing your next favourite colour

 As with the black electrical tape, place, stick and cut the red electrical tape in horizontal strips. WARNING: Leave a gap in the middle of the red horizontal strips to achieve a sense of 'pattern'. Smooth out unexpected bubbles by tapping firmly with a hammer.

Achieving a sense of pattern. Unexpected bubbles.

 When your pattern has been achieved and your bubbles smoothed, your chair seat should look exactly like this.

How your chair seat should look

 Choose your next favourite colour of electrical tape. Mine is navy blue. Yours is too.

Your next favourite colour of electrical tape is navy blue

 Fill in the gaps between the red electrical tape stripes with navy blue electrical tape stripes. You should achieve something exactly like this.

This is what you should achieve

Slightly different angle

 The underside of the chair is strengthened by the parcel tape and duct tape. It is now safe for you to offer this chair to visitors.

Strengthened underside of chair

 Eat the Tunnock's Caramel Wafer.

Tunnock's Caramel Wafer wrapper

You are done. You may now sit down. On the floor is safest.

Tooth Fairies, Easter Bunnies and the Cheque's in the Post

Late yesterday evening, I found myself having a discussion with an eleven-year-old girl about the tooth fairy. She still 'believes'. I didn't know this. So, the tooth fairy had put a quid in an envelope made by the eleven-year-old, which she had left on the coffee table. At twenty-two hundred hours, the eleven-year-old had run, panicked, into the lounge to retrieve the envelope. It was meant to go under her pillow, you see. She was very disappointed when she saw that the coin was already in the envelope, as surely this meant that the tooth fairy does not exist?

*drum roll*

I exchanged glances with the other adult. He looked away, then sat very very still, so nobody would notice that he was there. Silence ensued. She is ELEVEN, and surely far too old to be BELIEVING? And, besides, she had asked. If she asks a sensible question, she should get a sensible answer, right? So, what did I do? I said the following:

"It is of course possible, my darling, that the tooth fairy came whilst I was having a cigarette on the balcony. Or...erm...we could talk about it tomorrow?"

I looked at the other adult. He was trying not to laugh. The eleven-year-old was standing behind the sofa, unable to see the cruel mirth. A laugh filled my mouth and I was overcome with a comedy guilt. We lie, us adults. We lie, then we feel awful when the cruel truth has to be exposed. The eleven-year-old goes up to secondary school in September. Is it wrong to allow her to still believe in these myths we weave?

The Easter Bunny is another one. I have not taught her to believe in the Easter Bunny; she just DOES. And I did not know that she did on the day I told her the 'Easter Bunny would not be upset I have to work as he doesn't exist'. She cried, and so I backtracked. "Of course, when I say 'does not exist', I simply mean I haven't seen any evidence of his existence." Much like Santa, unicorns and dragons. And God. And, you know, she believes in them all. Every single one. She states she has empirical evidence that dragons exist, unicorns have been spotted in woodland somewhere in America, I believe, and Santa, well, he just IS.

I don't remember the day I stopped believing in Santa. I don't know if I ever believed in the tooth fairy or Easter Bunny. None of this has traumatised me, nor has it traumatised anyone I have since discussed it with. That, in itself, is a little magical.

I conclude that when she asks, she WANTS to continue believing in them. She wants me to show her photos of them laying treats and presents and money around the house. And when she skipped into my room this morning, clutching the extra Guilt Money that had been put in the envelope, she didn't mention her doubts. Maybe she is pulling a fast one. A non-existent tooth fairy would not leave a quid for a tiny, manky tooth; a non-existent Santa wouldn't make as much effort on Christmas Eve; and a non-existent Easter Bunny may well forget the baskets, cakes and extra chocolate, and just hand over an egg from Poundland with a grunt. Maybe that's what her motive is.

And for that, I feel she is cleverer than me.

Shiny Solutions to Everyday Problems

I have a list of things I feel need to be solved, made easier or abolished. Betterware (www.betterware.co.uk) occasionally helps me with the former two, by labelling some of their handier items with a ‘Betterware Solution’ star; sometimes you don’t realise you have a problem until you see that it can be fixed, right? For example, who knew that cleaning behind radiators was a problem, until a cleaning-behind-radiators duster was invented? Who knew that it could be EASIER and PRETTIER to carry around a magnifying glass, before Kleeneze invented the Owl Magnifying Glass necklace http://www.kleenezeshop.com/products/1370-owl-magnifying-pendant.aspx?

“Darling, for my birthday I would like a necklace, but I am afraid it will mean I can no longer carry around my magnifying glass in my handbag. Too heavy. Too too heavy. I really don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t worry. With this new 2-in-1 magnifying owl necklace, you can carry around a magnifying glass AND a necklace, without weighing yourself down too much. Whilst we are on the subject, your face looks a little saggy these days. How about we get you one of those exercisers that look like Jocelyn Wildenstein’s lips?”

Yes, this is true. Made up it is not. So if you need ‘more youthful, vibrant faces’ and are fed up with improvising with a toilet seat, have a look for yourself:

“Fight wrinkles around your eyes and help shape the overall look of your face, whether in front of the mirror, in the bath or at any other convenient time every day. The movements are given extra load by the mold, forcing everything to work a bit harder and resulting in more youthful, vibrant faces.”

You want one, don’t you? http://www.japantrendshop.com/face-slimmer-exercise-mouthpiece-p-1327.html

Yep.

Me too.

As a new Girl Who Does, I have decided to do everything. This has resulted in the following:

A missing GUID*
A wonky picture.

*Presumably this is something to do with something important to do with this page. So, if I type this post, my GUID will appear, right?