A BT YouView box (this may also work with a Talk Talk YouView box, or a non-affiliated YouView box, however, I would not like to ruin your life, so please proceed with caution)
A working tellybox, with HDMI and SCART connections
A telephone
A plugged in, switched on, and connected modem
A pint of beer
A globe
A Tunnock's caramel wafer
Various leads which, at a push, fit in various holes
Patience
An engineer
A bread knife.
Let us begin.
1/ Glance at YouView user guide. Realise you do not need YouView user guide. Set about surveying existing televisual set-up. It will transpire that everything is on the wrong side of the room. This is normal; do not be cross. Take this opportunity to point and laugh at existing hard-drive recorder, paying extra attention to its crappy little buttons. Put it to one side; you will need it later.
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| Existing hard-drive recorder with its crappy little buttons |
2/ Untangle wire. Unplug phone. Untangle wire. Unplug television. Untangle wire. Unplug SCART lead from back of television and existing hard-drive recorder with its crappy little buttons. Place SCART lead to one side. Unplug the dangling HDMI cable which you plugged in when you wanted to watch Eastenders on iPlayer on your laptop but gave up because there was no sound.. PutHDMI cable to one side. You will need seven empty plug holes. Count empty plug holes. You have three. Unplug phone charger. Untangle wire. Unplug phone charging mat. Untangle wire. Unplug laptop, printer, Wii, shredder, spare phone charger, other phone charger and electronic cigarette charger. Untangle all wires. Put all equipment in a basket.
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| Putting all equipment in a basket |
3/ WARNING: ADULT SUPERVISION REQUIRED.
Plug modem in AS CLOSE TO THE TELLYBOX AS POSSIBLE. It looks nice on that shelf. Careful when you stand up; you will hit your head.
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| The modem looks nice on that shelf |
4/ Have a pint of beer. Unwind telephone extension lead. Plug telephone extension lead into the holes in which it fits best. These are probably the right holes. Plug the telephone doofer into the extension wire. Pick up the telephone, listen for dialling tone, say, 'Hello?' Unwind extension lead around the back of the sewing machine, under the sofa, around the base of the lamp, out the door, down the stairs, through the legs of the man from Flat 4, under the carpet, up the stairs, round the lightbulb, through the door, across the floor, past the fireplace, on to the mantelpiece, off the mantelpiece, behind a picture, over the radiator, and into the back of the modem.
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| Telephone extension lead in front of fireplace |
5/ Look at hole in back of tellybox cabinet in which previous hard-drive recorder with crappy buttons' wire was fed. Realise this hole is not big enough for the unpluggable YouView power cable. Make hole slightly larger using back and forth sawing motion with bread knife. Put YouView box on shelf next to modem. Holding box steady with two fingers, use other two fingers and thumb to feed plug through new hole. Adopt yogic squatting position and reach other arm over the tellybox to back of cabinet, widening fingers expectantly. Grasp wildly using hand at back of cabinet, whilst thrusting plug blindly and furiously through hole. Grab plug and plug into extension lead at back of cabinet. Push box fully onto shelf, knocking modem on to floor. Plug all wires back into modem. Place modem back on shelf. Plug ethernet cable from modem into back of YouView box. Watch light flashing at back of YouView box with pride.
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| Widen hole using bread knife |
6/ Place HDMI cable on cabinet. Watch it curl into a frightened ball. Stare at HDMI cable. It has no instructions. Take it upon yourself to plug HDMI cable into back of tellybox and back of YouView box.
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| HDMI cable curled up on cabinet |
7/ Check that all plugs are plugged in and all cables are plugged in. Look down back of tellybox cabinet to assure self of same. Alarmingly, there will be twenty-seven useful wires. This is normal.
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| Twenty-seven useful wires |
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| Shiny remote with buttons |
9/ Halfway through programme, the sound will disappear. Change channel. The sound will reappear. Then the sound will disappear. Change channel, the sound will appear. The sound will then disappear. Repeat this process using all one hundred and thirty-one channels. Reset box. Retune box. Factory-reset box. Retune box. Factory-reset box. Check all connections. Change all settings. Reset modem. Lift telephone up and put it back down again. Unplug all plugs. Untangle wires. Plug all plugs back in. Move YouView box. Move it back. Remove HDMI cable, plug in SCART lead.
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| Plugged in SCART lead |
10/ Repeat step 9 with SCART in situ. When you get to the last point of step 9, unplug SCART and plug HDMI cable back in. Repeat step 9 again. Google YouView forums. Do all suggested things on YouView forum. Pick up telephone.
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| Pick up telephone |
11/ Phone BT YouView support. Explain situation. Listen carefully whilst kind man tells you that it is unacceptable that a box should behave this way in front of a customer. Kind man will talk you through steps 1-9. Repeat them even though you have done them before. Kind man wants you to. Do as kind man says. Wait. When kind man asks if you want an engineer, say yes. Hang up, plug in old hard-drive recorder with its crappy little buttons. Wait 18 hours. Let in engineer. Allow him to remove existing YouView box and furnish you with another. Thank him. Sit down. Eat a Tunnock's caramel wafer.
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| Eat a Tunnock's caramel wafer |
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