The Girl Who Does Collections

Following my proposal to Hastings Borough Council regarding the regeneration of Hastings' Pier, which, incidentally, they have not replied to (I can only assume this is because they are still researching as to whether lions or bears are the animals which do/don't eat you when you stare them in the eye - I do hope that nobody has been mauled or injured in any way during this research task), I have been patiently waiting for the shortbread tins which will render the pier fireproof and avoid another occurrence of massive scary fire and unprecedented levels of local distress. Today, I received a tweet from @candyflippa. She has kindly kicked off the collection with a rather fetching traditionally styled Scottish shortbread barrel. I am hoping the lid could be used for decorative effect on top of one of the turrets in which I plan to keep the lions/bears. I have acquired several useful items myself, mostly from my own cupboards. Oh, what treasures cupboards hold! A Marks and Spencer tin depicting snowmen and children killing each other (some of the scenes have faded, so I am unsure as to whether this description is wholly accurate); a tobacco tin depicting blackened lungs and death (not strictly shortbread, but I shall cover it with tartan paper); a roll of bright blue electrical tape, the outside of which is covered in biscuit crumbs; a padlock for which I cannot recall the combination, but will be useful for the tin gates at the entrance to the pier; and a misshapen fork. So, friends, anything you feel will be useful to get this gig rolling will be gratefully received. 

Outstanding. 

The Girl Who Offered to Fix Hastings' Pier

Dear Regeneration at Hastings dot gov,
I have a quite brilliant view of the pier from here, and have recently taken it upon myself to keep abreast of its happenings. I haven't yet seen any work commence, or men in hi-vis jackets, but my mother assures me this is to happen quite soon. She is usually right about these things; I refer you to the time she told me that Eastenders' Tanya and Max were to have a rather large fight and split up. She was right. She was also right when she told me it would take hours to paint a kitchen using a pastry brush, and perhaps my time would be better spent walking to the nearest DIY shop to purchase an actual paintbrush. As you well know, the nearest DIY shop to my flat at the time was in fact B&Q in Ore. A bit of a trek even for a healthy person such as myself.
I feel I have digressed. I have a vision. I also have a balcony, on which I can state I have a vision and passers-by look up in awe and expectation. I have not yet let them down. As work has not yet commenced on the aforementioned pier, I would appreciate it if you could consider my vision. I have my own hammer, spirit level and screwdriver, but I am not sure whether these would suffice for such a large job, and I would probably have to sub-contract, particularly for the structural work.
Entertainment-wise, I was wondering if you had considered lions? Lions, although dangerous, could be a fabulous tourist attraction, and we could perhaps offer rides from the pier to the beach. I heard somewhere that a lion won't eat you unless you look it in the eye. Or that might have been a bear. This probably needs a little more research; if you could find out whether it is lions or bears that are safe as long as you don't look them in the eye, we could make sure we use the correct animal. Don't feel sad; the public would travel to see bears too, as although it is frowned upon to ride one they look fantastic when standing on their hind legs swiping at thin air.
So, my vision begins with the structural development of the pier. I noticed when fixing a chair the other day that there is strength in duct tape. The pier struts needs to be strong and, dare I say it, fireproof. It was a sad day when the pier caught fire; some people said it was their Diana moment. These are the people who will most welcome the regeneration and rebuilding of the pier. These people are our target market. I suggest you set up a Facebook page.
Moving on from marketing. As you know, my parents used to keep their important documents in a Scottish shortbread tin in case the house caught fire. Now, I am no fool - I do not expect the entire pier to be made from Scottish shortbread tins, but it would not hurt to source a few in advance. I suggest this should be your next task, after completing your lion/bear research.
To recap thus far:
Lion/bear research
Source approximately 1500 Scottish shortbread tins
Duct-tape pier struts (I used 'duct-tape' as a doing word, which doesn't sit well with me. Please overlook this.)
Once the struts are supportive, we should think about importing the animals so they get used to their new home before the visitors begin to flood in. Although I have never imported an animal, I did make a poorly pigeon feel happy the other day. The way I did this was by ensuring he felt as if he belonged. This is key. A keyword. A watch-word, if you like. Belong.
So:
Lion/bear research
Source tins
Duct-tape
Import lions and bears.
I would be willing to train all the lions/bears to be tolerant of human weight, as I suspect people will climb on them even if told not to. I am bringing my pigeon-training to the party, and I have also hand-reared two children. My weight is approximately that of the average man, despite being a woman. This is because I am still carrying a little Christmas weight, which I am finding hard to shift. I think my metabolism has slowed down, what do you think? As I am sure you have noticed (but been too polite to mention), my hips are heavier now than they have ever been. I find this has changed the way I feel about myself.
I will leave it there, as there is not a huge amount I can do until you have imported the bears/lions. Please let me know when I can get cracking with the sub-contracting.
A pleasure doing business, as always.
Kind regards,
The Girl Who Does.